Where have all the badasses gone?

Bullying is a perennial topic these days in the media and at dinner tables. As someone who in high school was brutally bullied, my heart always goes out to the families of teens who decide they can not handle it and turn to suicide.

The most recent example, one Jamey Rodemeyer of Buffalo New York is turning attention to a federal level though, and we are staring down the barrel of federal anti bully legislation. That we have to rely on federal regulation to force school administration and parents do their fucking jobs is beyond tragic to me. It shows a colossal failure of both entities to keep up with the technology that took torment to such an outrageous degree.

The common thread that I keep seeing is that teenagers are no longer safe anywhere. That people who chronically bully them are on social media doing it, and occasionally breaking Stalking laws and following them home. The specific torments are nothing new, usually relating to sexuality. But what shocks me is what is absent.

What I don’t understand is why the victims of bullying don’t rage out and fight back, violently if they have to. Particularly if the torment gets physical. Where is the rash of Zangief Kids out there? Where are the kids who have had enough, hit the gym, and go from Bruce Banner to the Hulk? I hate to ask this but where the fuck are the kids that get so angry that they externalize that pain and do something even worse?

I hate to go back and blame the Columbine Incident, but something happened over the past decade where kids were brought to believe that lashing out violently at people who are going out of their way to torment you is not the answer. Despite the above statement, I am not advocating a rash of bullied kits bringing shotguns to school, but I certainly think a few months at the gym followed by breaking some faces is called for. I want to see Gay-Strait alliance kids form a little muscle in their group, and deliver some Archie Slaps to the insecure fuckheads that think its okay to pick on others so THEY feel good about themselves.

Violence against bullies should not be the first solution by the bullied, but I think we need to adapt the student culture so it returns to being a viable solution. If it isn’t, and teens continue to think they have no other option but to be powerless and rely on other people, then they will behave powerless and rely on other people. The future will be dim indeed if that happens.

Really?

Once in a while I come across something that I find just about everything wrong with. Not even an instance where I can say- “Well isn’t that cute??? BUT IT’S WRONG!!!!!” this morning as I plopped down at my desk at work and did my morning wind up, I ran across this article on The Escapist.

That led to the source article, which already got my blood boiling as is. A woman buried a potential relationship in two dates simply cause a hedge fund guy played Magic the Gathering. Despite the fact that this was Jon Finkel, the Magic World Champion, I honestly feel like that had very little to do with it, so much as the mere presence of cardboard crack in his life.

But that delicious main course of “Girl bails on a guy cause he is a geek.” Is just that, the savory ribeye to a glorious meal of hate. I want to talk about the other things she did in this story that piss me off

First was the shame that she approached dating online, using OkCupid. In my life I have had a few relationships going to “date rapey bars” and hang outs. I even went to a girls church just because I wanted to know if her boobs were real or not. I think it speaks volumes though that the woman I married, and have a son with, I met online.

The mixture of shame and fear of finding a person through a largely anonymous dating site just does not register to me. Granted women who go to these sites, don’t act creepy, saying things like “Cut the crap Hamlet.” If you ask me I think it sucks that most women set up free profiles and a “take a number” box. It makes me wonder if women get a perverse kick out of making men suffer to try to prove that they are good enough to even get the chance to see them in person. I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that it is the same way for websites that are similar but for… other purposes.

So here we have a woman who already is doing something she does not want to do, and being a total twat to people because she has not bothered to cancel her account, That is Strike Two to how she treated Mr. Finkel’s Strike One. A nice Caesar salad in this meal if you ask me.

The Second thing I want to talk about is the date itself. Now in Alyssa’s defense, she did not say how the date was agreed to. If they agreed to dinner and a show, and Mr. Finkel purchased tickets to Jeffrey Dahmer on Broadway without saying “how about this” that is on him. But part of the lesson here is that if you expect to be swept off your feet by a well hung Dudley Do-Wright on a palomino horse on the first date, I think you need a brief lesson in real life.

In an online dating situation, you got two people busting through imaginary social stigma, and their own insecurities to meet up with each other. The only information the have is their name, and if they are smart a criminal background check. In any first date you should be prepared for everything. By everything I mean Chinese food to bad movies, to heels breaking, and the possibility of drinking too much. If Magic the Gathering has players nicknamed Johnny, Timmy, and Spike, Dating has your, Ted, Marshall, and Barney

Ted is the guy who plays it cool, but deep down wants that long term relationship, ultimately involving you in a white dress.

Marshall is timid, but ultimately wants the same thing as ted, maybe with a little to much more focus.

And Barney is… Well he is Barney.

So Strike three, and a lovely twice baked tater on you Miss Bereznek. Sure there is the wine and the spinach I could have discussed to, but this fine meal of hate should stick to the staples.

All that is needed for Evil to succeed...

Well this past weekend has not been looking good for the United States has it? While most of us were seeking shelter since the bad, but not nearly as bad as 1989 heat wave, John Boehner decided to walk away from the White House in negotiating a solution to the nations various economic troubles.

The process has been ass backwards from the get-go. The “Debt Ceiling” situation should have been tackled months ago, but was put off. The two houses of congress should have been negotiating first, THEN the President gets involved through final arbitration.

The Democratic party has already had it’s balls cut off in the negotiations, so their pitfalls need not be examined to closely. Fact is that forcing through the health care reform act the way they did spent all of their political capital for the next decade. While as a party they do in fact have a point in this crisis of the month largely they are drowned out.

As far as the Republican party though, their failure comes in three distinct steps

1) Pledges made by many party members of various imports kneecapped any flexibility to perform in any way on this issue.

2) The inability to separate running a government from ideas of running a household or a business has made Draconion and unfair budget cutting the keystone to their policy, rather then a component part.

3) Inability to see oppourtunity to further bury their opposing party through compromise (the gather more flies with honey then vinegar theory)

Let’s make no mistake here, Democrats and moderate Republicans were MORE THEN FAIR in the negotiations. By offering 3 Billion Dollars in cuts in exchange for 1 dollar in tax revenue, most would call that a deal everyone can agree to. Various polls stated that Americans could live with the so called “Gang of Six” deal hammered out.

House Republicans, who make up the largest part of the now proven inept “Tea Party Caucus” seem to forget the lesion that Democrats proved with the Health Care Reform Act. If you want to forcibly enact fundamental change on such a large scale to the United States, you need control of all three houses of government. The Republican party currently has control of ONE. This leaves the House of Representatives the equivalent of a High School Student Council petitioning the Board of Trustees. You get heard, but your agenda will not go anywhere without negotiation.

At this point I have largely given up on this monetary crisis. I actually am hoping that the nation goes into default, and that public blame gets spread around everywhere. There is an old saying “All that is needed for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing.” Given that the congress, who all are fundamentally good people, has done nothing to avert crisis, it should be perfectly fair that the evils that will follow be laid at their feet.

Let the Fates fall where they may.

Asses Kicked, Bubblegum Chewed

So when last we talked I gave the VERY abridged version of the development History of Duke Nukem Forever, leaving the final chapter out but leaving a cryptic video of the introduction to a completely different and awesome game.

That game if you were not paying attention Was Borderlands, a scifi single player shooter of epic proportions loved by fans and critics alike, and bringing Gearbox Software into the forefront of video game visionaries. Previously they were known as “those guys that did Half Life Mods for Valve.

The final development chapter of this review is that after a minor bit of Drama, Gearbox walked up to 3D Realms, raped it, took their baby away and left behind a roll of quarters for cab fare. And while such imagery may be vile when done to real people,. I can honestly say that 3D Realms deserved it.

So here we after after 15 years and one last delay for old times sake, is Duke Nukem Forever worth it?

No, it is not worth 15 years of development.

Let me elaborate. I was a Duke fan since the side scrollers. I know the game I followed it. I lost hope and regained it, and upped the bucks for the shiny super jumbo deluxe version to reward my reaffirmation of the game and its new developers. And when I played it, and got about half way through it I went back to playing Halo Reach.

Under that magnifying glass, Duke Nukem forever is not worth the money I paid. But then two things happened when I played the game for a friend of mine who was only vaguely familiar with Duke Nukem as a franchise.

I blew up then pulled the tongue out of a 3 boobed alien monster, went right into a strip club and had some fun. And my friend said

“This is actually one of the coolest games ever!”

He elaborated that there was no part of the game as a shooter that was trying to be serious. The over the top voice acting, the goofy writing, the ambiance all made for a rather hyper masculine cathartic package. That the lack of emphasis on story, game mechanics, and trying to “push the envelope” emphasized the character of the game.

Okay so he did not say it in so many words, but that was the conclusion I came to after viewing Duke Nukem Forever through his eyes. Speaking of which when he popped them back in his head from a virtual lap dance he applauded the little things that could be done, from using a toilet, to smoking cigars, getting lap dances, playing pool, pinball, arcades, and even flipping off the lights.

This perspective also allowed me to see how when you examine DNF you can see across the past 14 years at all the little traits that had been pilfered from other shooters. This allows the game mechanics themselves to be solid, if not revolutionary.

And that is the key thing to take away from Duke Nukem Forever. It is a solid game. They key criticism that you will find in any review is that “it does not bring anything new.” Never mind that whole franchises have been doing that for years and gotten away with it. Mechanically the weapons are uniqe, the Platforming elements are solid. the only point I really complain about is that about 2/3rds of the way through the game you have to engage in a vehicle section that is drawn out way the hell to far. but overly log arduous levels are nothing new in video game history either, right?

Long and short, check your high expectations at a door. This is not a fantastic game, but it is competent. I want to see what Gearbox can do with the franchise next.

Come Get Some!

So yeah, 15 years in the making, was Duke Nukem Forever worth it? Yes and no. Wait most of you don’t know what Duke Nukem Forever is? Okay story time!

Duke Nukem began its life in 1991 with Apogee Software releasing a simplified side scroller, whereby a blond hero named Duke Nukem was captured by the Mad Dr Proton and had to escape and simultaneously stop his antagonist plans for world domination. Plots don’t get more silly then that. It was popular enough that a second side scrolling sequel was released in 1992, but by then Video Games were undergoing a fundamental shift. At the time a Mesquite Texas based company founded by Kansas City Native John Carmak created Wolfenstein 3D, followed by Doom. Both published about about the same time.

Seeing a chance to make a name for itself on the then emerging First Person Shooter Market, Apogee Renamed itself 3D Realms and took the plunge. After three years of development Duke Nukem 3D was released. And did it impress.

Seriously the computer gaming world had seen nothing like this, and consoles were unable to compete as well. The titular character went from a bland sprite to this over the top, chauvinistic blend of Ash Williams and Snake Pliskin. More so then anywhere else Duke Nukem 3D tread on ground no other game would, by introducing elements such as alcohol use, sexual situations and entertainment, drug use, and no holes barred foul language, Duke Nukem played to the adult market at a time when even PC gaming was seen as for children.

Immediately upon the commercial success of Duke Nukem 3D, 3D Realms announced in 1997 a sequel titled Duke Nukem Forever. Despite Seven Spin off games however during the times pan, DNF was delayed repeatedly.

The development History of the game is nothing short of Legen- Wait for it…

It got to be so bad that DNF became the butt of many jokes, to the point of being the definition of Vaporware. Such comments like Duke Nukem If Ever, Whenever, Fornever and the list goes on became standard for making fun of it. Fans even grew weary and by 2001, there was little press on developments as 3D Realms shuttered itself and simply said it would hit the streets “when it’s done.” In that time-span fans largely forgot about the game though some remembered, and compiled a list of things that happened since Duke Nukem Forever was announced.

When it was finally announced that 3D Realms had fired the Duke Nukem Development Team and was undergoing financial restructuring, Forever finally seemed all but dead, despite the teaser released earlier in 2007.

But then again…. There ain’t no rest for the wicked.

We will finish the History Lesson and get to the review next time.

Some things Just do not need to be...

WHY GOD WHY!!!!!

Look, here is the thing, I am a Halo fan. I was first exposed to Halo combat evolved when my brother and I simultaneously split with our respective girlfriends and in a huge bout of male sympathy, I had my first beer with my dad, we went out for burgers and ended up buying a Microsoft X Box and half of its launch library. Halo was the only thing that stood out. While its level design was not very impressive, it did a lot of things to the First Person Shooter (which I was still calling Doom Clones) that were impressive. A regenerating health bar, the ability to only carry two weapons, use of grenades as an action instead of a separate weapon. Halo took a lot of ideas from various other shooters and melded them into a perfect experience.

Halo as a fictional universe has a core trilogy, surrounded two (later three) main characters on a quest to save the galaxy from Religious arrogance, I mean space bugs. It was rich in allusions to Biblical, Torranic, and Islamic scripture. It also had elements of Greek myths, Chinese fables, and even King Arthur, particularly the ending of the core Trilogy.

RIGHT THERE! The hero who saved the world is presumed dead from his crusade, and is being escorted by the Lady of the Lake to sanctuary until he is needed again. Bang! Fineto! Done! story is closed, yes there was allusion to further tales, but really we did not need them. If the Halo Universe was to survive, it should have done so upon its own merits rather then trying to artificially drag out a long gone protagonist’s story.

And you know what pisses me off more then anything else. I am going to buy it! I am going to play it! And I will probably enjoy it despite the inevitable glaring faults.

Video Games ARE Art!!!

So last month the National Endowment for Arts declared that Video Games are considered an art-form, and therefore are open to federal funding for development, the same way television, film, theater, and literature are occasionally granted pitiful grants that keep the people working on those projects fed for a month.

Run on sentence lead-ins aside, we now have exhibits from talented developers on video games great and small on display in the Smithsonian. This project from what I hear was in development for the past five years, and continuously updated till its debut this year. So next to your Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, and the Shredder will be the works of Shigeru Miyamoto (of Mario Brothers fame).

This is unequivocally a good thing. One only needs to go onto YouTube and search for “Halo 3 VidDoc” too see the tireless effort that artists go into drawing on paper, then creating real life models of before finally rendering onto screen their works to be the Master Chief we love to send out into Alien Kickassia on weekends.

Wow I am abusing grammatically correct run on sentences today…

Of course it did not take much time for the controversy engine to stir up whether this new declaration had Merit. Credit has to go to Fox news for presenting our subject matter in not only the wrong light, but an incredibly biased light. You can either watch this video or if you want a smart ass comic that tells the same story you can look at this.

The Video specifically mentions the Call of Duty Series, and it possibly getting federal funding. Call of Duty, for the uninitiated is a video game that places you in the perspective of a solider (usually British or American) fighting wars. Initially the game was set in World War II, but eventually evolved into more modern scenarios. As I mentioned above the argument postulated by Fox is that should such a game be entitled to N.E.A. funding.

I agree with Fox, it does not. I also agree with Activision, it does not. I agree with numerous gaming websites and magazines, who all agree with Fox. There is no need for a Triple A studio blockbuster of a Video Game to receive any federal funding to ensure its release. It is a good thing that is not what the NEA is interested in.

To give Activision federal grant money to release a Call of Duty game (which despite my criticisms does have some artistic merits) would be the equivalent of the NEA giving James Cameron money to make Avatar. No one would deny the artistic merit of the film, but it was doing fine on its own, being funded by one of Hollywood’s powerhouses, and a major studio.

The NEA would be more interested in providing funding for a game like Minecraft, Braid, Limbo or Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Google each one of them, or YouTube some game footage and you will see what I mean. These are engines of creativity that even despite every one of them being a roaring success never got enough credit.

Of course major media outlets don’t care. They call up IGN and ask “what were the top 5 selling games of the past year?” Then of course they are treated to four First Person Shooters and Grand Turismo and show clips of those while they ask game developers “IS THIS ART!” And they might as well do it in German accents for all the choice any relatively reasonable media critic or games industry insider has.

The key thing is that we have across the world what is Commercial Art, and what is Fine Art. You never see and advertising agency putting up their projects for Kellogg’s up for federal funding. Likewise BioWare will not be trying to get the Feds to fund the last quarter of Mass Effect 3. Even controversial art-house games would be subject to federal scrutiny, and cynical attempts to garner attention like the so called “School Shooter Mod” would be rejected immediately. (if you want to see an art-house style game covering school shootings I highly recommend Super Columbine Massacre by the way. The creator actually makes a significant attempt to explore the psyche of the Columbine Shooters.)

History is on the side of Games however. We have schools at major universities devoted to animating assets for video games. There are more man hours spent rendering every curve and angle of Miranda Lawson’s arse then in any one Rembrandt painting.

The major Pushback against Video games entering the mainstream has to do with one very key item. Video games are still by and large regarded as toys for children. Much in the same way that Radio was regarded as a tool, and film a meaningless novelty, the origins of Video games from the days of the Magnivox Oddessey and Atari 2600 has permitted a generation of journalists and political leaders to have a clear waypoint to try and keep games “in their place.”

Where the moment in games is that the proverbial “chains” were broken and Video games managed to break free of being merely children’s toys, I can not point to. Some say as early as February 12^th of 1991 with the release of Super Mario Brothers 3, one of the most critically acclaimed video games ever. Others would cite Final Fantasy VII or Halo: Combat Evolved.

But the chain has been broken, game designers are no longer toymakers, and players, as has been shown by statistical analysis time and again are not just children. Games are no longer approaching mere entertainment, but instead ask the player to consider moral quandaries and balance out the consequences of their actions. Whole avenues of entertainment have sprung up around gamer culture. To say that it is only a matter of time shows that people have not been paying attention, as now we merely have to wait for the stubbon holdouts to die.

Pointless Bitching about TIm Burton

I am a movie fan, as I think I have intimated at least once here. And I like all sorts of movies. Action, Comedy, Drama, Epics, Fantasy, Horror… you know the genre I can name at least ten films I liked in that genre.

But you know who I don’t like in movies, at all, to the point of generally boycotting them entirely these days? Tim Burton.

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but he has driven me bat shit ever since the Nightmare Before Christmas. Wait I do know what it is about this guy. And I think I will outline it right now.

First off Tim Burton has some serious Daddy Issues. While this was not REALLY prevalent in Beetlejuice or Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (and I can not comment on Vincent as I have never seen it.) Ever since he directed Batman in 1989, Tim Burton has been really big on daddy issues. In Batman it was I watched my daddy die, in Edward Scissorhands it was Daddy did not finish me, and Nightmare Before Christmas “Daddy controls me to much.” I could go on about other films (Planet of the Apes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Big Fish for example.) but the point is that the theme of Paternal neglect, abandonment and abuse runs rampant through his films.

Secondly there is the strand of Re-Makes and non original IPs that Burton has a hand in that really piss me off. He famously said during the production of 1989’s Batman that he did not need to be familiar with the comic books to make a good batman film. Fortunately it seemed there were others involved in production that steered it in the right direction, but this blasé attitude continues in other films. Mars Attacks was a crappy redo of the infamous Ed Wood flick Plan Nine From Outer Space, despite having little to do with the originals plot (there is an actual Plan Nine Redux in the works right now though that looks spectacular.)

In Planet of the Apes, the visuals were stunning, and the makeup was as fantastically innovative as the original. But the Stranger in a Strange Land idea that made the initial Planet of the Apes so awe inspiring was not there. People point to many specific things, but for me it was that the humans in Burton’s planet retained a sense of intelligence and culture, however suppressed it may be. Compare that to human beings in the Charlton Hesston film who were one step shy of being wild animals. The juxtaposition of a sapient human in a land where it was apes who were sapient was lost right there.

Finally with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Burton Openly messed with greatness. I can not fathom that film other then “Here is Johnny Depp acting kooky!” The visuals were garish, the music was forgettable, and NONE of that magic from the ’71 was ever rendered. Like the candy Willy Wonka made, it was sugary and hollow.

Oh wait, I mentioned Johnny Depp didn’t I? While the performances rendered in Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood were brilliant, showing both subtlety and passion respectively, it seems that Burton is nothing more then the bottom bitch to Mr Depp whenever his bank account runs dry. Only Helena Bonham Carter has appeared in more Burton films over the past decade and that is because she is fucking Burton.

Through all of this I can not say that Mr. Burton is a talentless hack, but his talent just does not show through. The man is a master at cinematography, but he needs to spend more time directing films rather then micromanaging them to meet his acid trip visions. What’s the point of all of this? I really don’t know I just wanted to bitch about Tim Burton, go in peace my friends.

Munchkins

This is another case of me sharing someone else story. There is a debate going on in the Battletech community of “what is and is not Munchkin.” It arose for reasons I can not quite explain, though it seems the property is in this state of singularity, with so many antique rulebooks that the company with the IP now has been working, for really the past five years now, to create a set of “Core” Books to put everything in a few easy to read volumes.

The way it works is that the core rule books are “Tiered” in a particular way. The first book gives you the Standard Rules, the ones that will never change or go away. Book 2 is an instruction manual on how you can build your own game pieces, which is where things start to get controversial. The reason being is that after a quarter of a century in development, Battletech already has over 1000 “Official” play pieces and variants, so there is a core of players who refuse to play with customs made from this second book.

Books 3 and 4 instruct you in ways to expand the standard rules to allow for new ways to play. The joke is that with them, you can have a military conflict on a sinking super tanker in a hurricane that was carrying hives of bees that are now loose, and giant robots are throwing cargo containers at each other like wrestlers and steel chairs. And there is one more book to go.

Among players there is this sense that if the rule even exists, then they have a right to use it, no matter what other players say, so this can cause some contention if at the very least, no other player is even familiar with the rules being used. Anyway on to the story.

“Back in the days when the Clans were relatively new, I got conned into playing a demo at the local RPG store. While just hanging out one day, I was talking to a friend and mentioned some 10-15 ton ‘mechs that I had designed and was quite proud of; I said that I’d put them up against any canon light design in the books. Next thing I know, the owner of the store says “We have a challenge!” because another player there told him he’d take that challenge.

So we work out the date, time and terms: I’d bring a 4-‘mech lance of my custom IS ultralights and my opponent would bring a lance of 4 LIGHT Inner Sphere ‘mechs from any official book available at that time. We settle on maps (3 x 3), victory conditions (last ‘mech standing) and go home.

At the set date and time, I show up with my force; two15-ton and two 10-ton IS ‘mechs (I might post stats later; fastest one was 6/9, I made extensive use of advanced IS tech and the lance was fairly well balanced with LRMs and even an ISerLL… and all-regular 5/4 pilots.

My distinguished opponent brought a STAR of FIVE custom clan ‘mechs; ranging in weight from 35 tons to 55 tons (yes, two mediums) each with an elite 2/1 pilot.

When I pointed out to him that this was not the agreed force composition he claimed to have forgotten, that he’d misplaced his TROs, that he was ‘used to clan tech’, that it was too late to make new sheets, blah, blah, blah…

When I complain to the store owner, he says that I ‘did say any ‘mech’ and implied that I was being a poor sport. In the end, I had nothing better to do that afternoon and if nothing else, I’d test my designs in battle.

I did ask to level the playing field by at least matching skill levels (to which my opponent strenuously objected, claiming that ‘clan pilots are the best’ so he would not even consider reducing his pilot’s uber-elite rating), but after much wrangling (and being accused of being a crybaby) I was “magnanimously” allowed to increase my pilot’s rating to 3/2.

So there I am, my 4 IS ultra lights facing five custom clan ‘mechs, the lightest of which is twice the weight of my two heaviest ‘mechs put together and his heaviest heavier than my entire lance put together.

Battle starts and surprise, surprise; he ignores zell. I start setting fires anywhere useful, generating smoke and maneuvering to get the best advantage of available cover. Within three turns we started shooting at each other. Superior tactics on my part (humbly, I have to admit it’s true; he basically tried to charge across an open field, decreasing his chances of hitting) and a few lucky rolls soon (2 combat turns) had two of his ‘mechs down and a third in dire straits, while only two of my units had any type of damage (worst damage was the loss of an arm with nothing mounted on it).

My opponent goes NUTS. Picks up one of his minis, throws it against the wall, overturns the table, kicks his sheets on the floor and storms out in a fit of fury, never again returning to the store.

Yeah. He pretty much defined “munchkin”; extreme power-gamer hell-bent on winning at any cost, including at the cost of the enjoyment of others. No single thing makes someone a munchkin.”

What we wanted Mace Windu to say...

Today is Star Wars day and I am feeling Irreverent, so here is a list of things that everyone WANTED Samuel L Jackson to say during his tenure in the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy.

1) BASIC MOTHER-FUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT!

2) This is your father’s Lightsaber, when you absolutely, positively must kill every mother fucker in the room, accept no substitutes

3) Hold on to your Butts, or tentacles, or whatever you got that you sit on.

4) Say try mother fucker! Say try again! I DARE YOU I DOUBLE DARE YOU SAY TRY AGAIN!

5) Use the force bitch!

6) You have reached the desk of Mace Windu, please leave a message after the beep. HEY I SAID AFTER THE BEEP! *Beep* That’s better!

7) Does he look like a nerf? *IGNITES LIGHTSABER* DOES HE LOOK LIKE A NERF!? THEN WHY YOU TRY TO HERD HIM LIKE ONE?

8) Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Yoda miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of the Force.

9) Not even the Force knows what you're doing!

10) You having a nice day, sir? You feeling all right? Not to get too personal, but a Sith standing in the middle of Courescant wearing a sign that says "I hate Jedi" has either got some serious personal issues, or not all his dogs are barking.

11) Who was the last person to beat Darth Vader? His mother!

12) Mano a mano? My Lightsaber wants to laugh.

13) I got this young nineteen year old Country girl named Sheronda. I found her on a Starport two days outta Hoth, barefoot, country as a Nerf herd. I took her to my place in Taris, told her it was Courescant.

14) Obi-Wan can tell me any story that comes into his pretty little head, just so long as at the end of that story he hands me my motherfucking Credits.

VINDICATION!!!!!!

Remeber my Arbitration a few weeks ago about why Transformers Revenge of the Fallen sucked balls?

well the screen writers pretty much confirmed my hypothesis

New Blogs

for my few readers, my Brother in Law, and My friend are gonna try something new and cool.

this Blog is basically the beginning of a bad joke. it is what happens when a Jew, a Christian, and an Atheist walk into a bar. a blog where three men discuss, well, anything, and you get to see it happen.

you can find it at thebeginningofabadjoke.blogspot.com

This is Not Intended to be a Factual Statement

If I were John Kyl’s opponent in his next election I would be thanking every God and Demon that holds some sway over this world right now. For those not in the know, during the past budget crisis a huge hang up was federal dollars for planned parenthood. Said money made up one one-hundredth of one percent of the federal budget, .01% and yet it stalled the whole process.

The Gem of it was when one political party was saying that the American Taxpayer should not have to pay for Abortion Services. I actually think that is fair, and it has been the law of the land since 1976 with the Hyde Amendment. So why was it a big deal now? Any federal dollars given to plan parenthood is subject to audit, thus making this valuable organization have to prove federal money is not spent on such services. Problem solved right?

Enter John Kyl, who on the floor of the senate said, and I quote

“Abortion is 90% of what planned parenthood does.”

Let that sink in for a second. I will wait.

What John Kyl has said is that Abortion services make up 90% of Planned Parenthoods budget, which means that, thanks to the Hyde amendment they have a budget in the billions of dollars mostly provided by private donations.

Except that this has proven to be demonstrably false. As a non profit, planned parenthoods books are open to public scrutiny, and you find that abortion services make up a meager 3% of any funds spent by Planned Parenthood in the United States.

But I am not here to talk about abortion, I am here to talk about John Kyl and his defense when his statement. “Abortion is 90% of what planned parenthood does.” Was prove false in the public court.

“That was not intended to be a factual statement.”

Basically John Kyl lied on the floor of the senate, and admitted it. This means at the very least that his next election should be open season so long as at the end of every statement made you admit that “this is not intended to be a factual statement.”

Think about it.

“Hi, I am John Doe, and I want to tell you something about Senator John Kyl. Recent facts have come to light that Senator Kyl is a False Idol worshiping, child fondling heathen-devil-pagan. He snorted cocaine off the ass of Charlie Sheen, and has a total of 42 children by 56 different women. Is this the kind of man you want representing Arizona? Not me, I stand for doing the impossible, if you elect John Doe, I will work tirelessly to make sure the light barrier is broken, and we can divide by zero. I am John Doe, and I approve this message, even though it was not a factual statement.”

It is GOLD I tell you, think about Senatorial debates! Or refuting the entire election as not a factual statement.

All jokes aside, what Senator Kyl did was nothing new, but he just got busted pretty bad by it. Best case scenario is that this degenerates into a whole world of chaos and outright lying for a few election cycles before the people have had enough.

Worst case scenario though is that the people let Senator Kyl get away with it.

Same Sex Marraige Logic Bomb

I wish I could claim credit for this, I really do. The truth is that my Brother-in-law wrote this little snippet about Same Sex Marriage, and I think it is worth repeating in the wide and indestructible world of the internet. I hope you have your suit on, it's time to get wet.

Let's start with the basics: National Organization for Marriage. Not Society. Not Children. Marriage. They care about marriage, pure and simple. They are founded right there at the tippy-top of THE slippery slope. They firmly believe Gay Marriage... is the stepping stone to total anarchy. The path down the slope includes all the following checkpoints: Polygamy, Zoophilic Marriage, Pedophilic Marriage, and teaching children how to be gay (also called 'recruitment').

How do we know this? They don't actually talk about protecting their own marriages - they talk about what gay marriage will do to children and society. They are strangely mute when it comes to their own marriages. I'm not even going to do more than mention that their most public face, Maggie Gallagher (that proud proponent of traditional marriage), still refuses to take her husband's name. But, that's something we aren't being told by NOM to think about. We are such bad people for that, aren't we?

Moving on to slightly more advanced topics, such as what gay marriage will actually DO to heterosexual marriages. This can be answered surprisingly simply: NOTHING. I have =yet= to meet =anyone= in a heterosexual marriage that actually fears what will happen to their marriage with their spouse if gay marriage is made legal. They trot up some story about their children, or society at large. They might even grace me with scripture, taken gently out of context to smack me about the head and face. But, regardless of all that, they are still silent when it comes to the topic of their own marriage.

I have an idea of what is going through their minds here. I am certain that a very small percentage of them believe a band of marauding gays will come along and force them to get divorced, then force them into homosexual marriages. Let's say, maybe 1% of them. Another 14% are frightened that their closeted child, spouse, or close friend will come out of the closet in the wake of the spreading tolerance and force them to deal directly with something that repulses them to their core. Another 35% are simply parroting what they are told to parrot by their religious leaders, the term for those people more closely then ever resembling actual Shepherds. The remaining 50% aren't really pausing to think about the ramifications of their actions, since they simply aren't gay and see no real reason to be invested.

On the pro-SSM side, the heterosexuals involved can be described very simply - people who have actually given it due consideration. We know personally, and closely, someone who is gay and affected by this decision. We see the human face of this every day, and we understand. Our marriages are =not= threatened. Our marriages will NOT collapse magically, and we will not be forced into homosexual marriages.

Lastly, we understand the nature of terms like "Equal Protection," "Equal Rights," and "Liberty and Justice for ALL." Think about that for a moment. This means ALL people, regardless of race, religion (or lack thereof), sexual orientation, or any other trait which can be used to divide people.

When you throw your support in for this "National Organization for Marriage", think carefully about what you are supporting. You are supporting discrimination based in fallacy. You are supporting degradation of an entire segment of your fellow citizens into a second class. You are supporting prejudice and spin, and they are happily duping you into that support. All it takes is for you to go with the flow, not thinking about the consequences of your actions.

All Hail Suavo, Lord of Bad Rolls

When I was in college I played board games with a group of fellow nerd ranging in ages from 8 to 50. All of them had their ups and downs as people. Scott was a gentle giant of a man, but I worry about his health, James Ernst was a mathematical genius but took to playing the Meta- game to seriously. And Pete was way to hard on himself, to the point where if something went the wrong way he got distracted and his composure collapsed.

One man stood above all of these though as someone I remember. His name was George but everyone including himself called him Suavo. The first reason was that his actual polish last name was difficult to pronounce. The second reason was that he was a suave mother fucker.

When he played MechWarrior in the group he gravitated towards a faction that was known for the ability to take hits repeatedly, but not have much offensive might. Everyone questioned his choice, as it seemed that when rolling dice, he had no luck at all. He would often just miss the required rolls needed, or when he did hit it was of little consequence at the time.

He had this inane ability though, to share his luck, or lack thereof. Like a Jedi convincing a drug dealer to rethink his life, he merely waved his hands, and his opponents dice would turn to piles of cubic mush. I dunno how he did it, but at some point the rest of the play group would start praying and paying tribute to Suavo, hoping to appease him so our rolls would not go south.

To this day I still spread the word of Suavo, calling upon him for timely bad rolls and waving my hand like a jedi over my foes dice. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. Suavo is a fickle god, and he does not dole out his power whimsically

More Then Meets My Expectations

So here is something I like talking about that is not TOO politically heavy handed. That Big McLarge Huge sporting event that happened a few weeks back is also known as commercial cental, you remember that? Yeah I did not care much about it either, mostly cause the Kansas City Chiefs, nor the New York Jets were involved. I know how to pick teams don’t I? but one commercial played and I caught it on apple’s movie trailers after the game.



God Damn you Michael Bay! God Damn you!

Now I fit into a very small niche of Transformers fans. I am not in the “if it is transformers it is good” category, but neither am I in the “Purist” line of thought either. Much like my post partisan pragmatists political affiliation, I take each category of this beloved franchise in turn, and I examine it on its own merits.

The First Transformers film released in 2007 actually impressed me. I thought the character designs were a wonderful way to make the idea of robots that could turn into cares functionally work. The plot was thin no doubt, but nowhere NEAR as thin as the cartoon from the 1980s, and the set pieces were enjoyable. My main complaint was the lack of character development with the Decepticon characters.

The 2009 sequel was an unmitigated disaster. May people have their own ideas as to why, and I want to share my own. The writer’s strike of 2008 happened a few months before principle photography was scheduled to start. This meant that a Shooting Script was never developed, and rumor has it that a full final screenplay was sitting unfinished on Orici and Kruzman’s desk. As the strike carried on Michael Bay (director) and Steven Speilberg (Producer) had a tough decision to make, do we wait out the strike, lose a crap ton of funding or get our funding pulled, and delay shooting? Or do we try to work with what we have. Bay Elected to work with what he had, which mean shooting Revenge of the Fallen with what is called a Film Treatment.

For those that don’t know, a Film Treatment is a piece of prose, often in a short story form, that provides a basic outline of a films plot. For a good example of a Film Treatment I recommend picking up the special edition of “The Terminator” which has its full treatment as a special feature. At 44 pages it tells the story of the film, but you can pick apart what was discarded, what was altered, and what was enhanced.

This led to Revenge of the Fallen being CLOSE to the original vision of the film, but every fan could see where things fell apart. There was a “wait what?” moment within the movie where it all broke down. For me it was around the time Optimus prime got killed and the ever infamous twins escorted Bumblebee and Shia Lebouf across the globe. At that point what was actually a pretty decent action flick degenerated into a bad episode of Beavis and Butt-head.

So now we have this third movie, and again it is sold to me. I will be there, in the front of the line, waiting for my seat on opening day. It is the same thing as why G.I.JOE, and the Marvel Pantheon are so close to my heart. Basically people my age, the 30 year olds, are grown up and want their childhood back. Maybe it is some mid life precursor or something. Will we have a better movie? Well I am of the mind it can not get much worse, and at least the 30 second spot at the Daytona 500 looks promising.

Wow, I am late on this....

It took me a while to write this last entry on Ninja Gaiden, and Metroid. That was mostly because the two games were hard as hell, to the point of me NEVER in my life finishing them (unlike all the other previous entries.) And each shared so many aspects with the previous NES classics that I ran out of things to talk about. So I finally decided to consolidate the two and discuss highlights of each.

Ninja Gaiden was side scrolling beat em up. Its notorious difficulty was born from having to beat not only bad guys and bosses, but also the map and the timer. Precision jumps were the key, and coupled with the Castlevania “flinch” if you were off or got touched by an enemy, you were tossed backwards.

Ninja Gaiden was unique in the NES days for having cinematic story telling, with crudely animated cut scenes between major acts of the game. Taken for granted today, where such events are not only common but often rendered in the games engine, these comic book style graphics were a progressive leap forward, and possibly the first of its kind.

Musically the game was nothing special, and graphically it was hit or miss. While the backgrounds were rendered in stunning detail, you often looked at foes that were more a jumbled mess of pixels then anything else.

in the modern Era Ninja Gaiden has retained its nigh impossible difficulty, and romps through the demon world are little more literal then cult like. the problem is that modern games in the series are pretty forgettable, particularly since the developer at Namco "Team Ninja" seems to have a VERY unhealthy fascination with breasts.

Metroid was another beast. Where as Zelda had you explore what seemed like a large and expansive world, Metroid downsized it to a large alien base. Game play focused on exploration above EVERYTHING else, with power ups scattered far and wide, and your list of objectives was quite narrow.

1) Destroy the two bosses
2) After 1) destroy the bases main computer

Simple until you realized that you started off with none of the tools needed to do that task, and you had all of THIS to contend with. These aliens were not fucking around were they?

It is amazing in Metroid to see that the titular creature usually does not show up in it’s own game till the end. Much like the legend of Zelda before it, I assumed the main character you played was named Metroid, rather then the space jellyfish that the franchise centers around.

The Metroid franchise however is known for more then dungeon crawls, and exploration through upgrades. It can be argued that the Metroid series was the first video game series to have a female protagonist. Furthermore, the nature of Samaus Aran’s appearance belies and refutes any chance to sexualize her as a woman, providing a strong female (though I argue not feminine) character. For that, Metroid will always be remembered while Ninja Gaiden will be tossed aside in the Jiggle Physics bin.

Happy New Year!

Well yet again I want to wish everyone a happy New Year! 2010 was odd for me, a collection of good bad an ugly. Lap 28 is about to finish up for me personally and have I had one hell of a year. Enjoy my list of best and worst

Best Video Game that I expected to be good: Halo Reach. Yes toss be in with the cult of the Master Chief. The series has its many detractors, but I have always found the mix of music, story, and rock solid mechanics to be compelling. And Halo, unlike other multiplayer games online, is fun for me. Bungies Swan song is an A +. I can leave the franchise behind here if I need to, especially since Microsoft is planning on milking it on their own.

Best “Where the hell did you come from” Video Game: Darksiders. In an era where hyper realist gameplay and first person shooters reign supreme, here was a dungeon crawler in the vein of Legend of Zelda I just could not put down. The Colors were magnificent (the only brown was in a dessert), the artwork looked almost Todd McFarlane, and the story is great for those of us who dig Biblical mythology as mythology.

Best Movie: Iron Man 2. This film was what a sequel should be. The producers and director took what they had and improved it modestly, rather then trying to go over the damn top. The jury is still out on Tron Legacy and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is half a film (BUT A DAMN GOOD HALF A FILM) meanwhile I have yet to see a lot of the oscar contenders I wanted to see.

Best Television Series: This year it was How I Met Your Mother. I am looking at this show going “I see my college life in this!”

Best New Song: the Geek and Gamer Girls song, by Team Unicorn.

Best New Person: Carrie. Sometimes people just bump into each other and a strong friendship forms, go figure.

Best Old Friend: Pamela. Hey, weren’t you on my “worst” list last year? Shows how people can make up despite some pretty heavy disputes.

Best “what the hell am I doing moment”: Taking some corny ass fan fics with my buddy Chris and I, and saying “lets make our OWN Battletech sourcebook out of this!”

Best new hobby: Lighting a stick on fire and twirling it around.

Best excuse to have a beer: “you just finished your beer!”

Best Nerd Moment: Playing Dungeons and Dragons, and my wife pulls a spell from her characters list. The DM characterizes the spell as Black pool surrounding an area, and tentacles coming up to crush the dragonmen, and we all start making it sound more like Henai then D&D!

Best “this will be regretted later”: finally getting a tattoo. It’s A Steiner fist to represent my son.



Worst Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. finally got it on gamefly 2 months after Call of Duty Black Ops came out. Expect a future Arbitration on this, but the short of it is I am getting tired of competitive multiplayer engines.

Worst Movie: Wolfman. I seriously did not emote with the character at all, like I would expect in modern film remakes.

Worst Television Series: South Park, seriously it is getting to the point where only one or two episodes a year are memorable, and the rest is just gags on the news.

Worst New Song: the “Roommate Song” by Brentalfloss

Worst New Person: Sarah. Girl you broke my best friend’s heart, all cause you are refusing to deal with your shit.

Worst old Friend: sadly I can not name anyone without being guilty of something myself. So I will instead apologize to everyone who thought I was a total fuck-tard this past year.

Worst “what the hell am I doing moment”: trying to drive strait through to Indianapolis from Kansas City in the wee hours, we had to get a motel overnight at Pon Du Hoc Indiana.

Worst New Hobby: making resin recasts of miniatures.

Worst Excuse to Have a Beer: seeing your mother, much as she drives you crazy, in a medically induced coma

Worse Nerd Moment: Watching Transformers Prime, and realizing that Peter Cullen and Frank Welker really are not that good at Optimus Prime and Megatron…

Worst “this will be regretted later.” Agreeing to take all of my grandfathers unopened model airplanes. While my wife may be doing the leg-work on selling them, it has been slow.

And for a third part of this “things in 2011 I am looking forward to

Video game for 2011: Duke Nukem Forever. I have not said that in 10 years. The game that time forgot apparently will be out around my birthday. It better cure cancer after the 12 year wait.

Movie for 2011: Conan. “Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet."

Television: for Piers Morgan to be able to overcome the “He is not Larry King” wall he faces.

Event: As always Gencon 2011

Concert: I really want to see Godsmack on stage again

News Event: Der Pope to keel over and lets get someone less Euro-Centric in the papacy

Comedy- Furry Comic, and cool entertainer 2 The Ranting Gryphon to continue his mainstream rise and get a Comedy Central Half hour.

Books- I just want to be impressed by a writer again.