It's Dangerous to Go Alone... Take This.

If Mario is the King of Nintendo, Zelda is most assuredly the queen. Everything about the original Legend of Zelda game made it stand out from the rest of the Nintendo Library. From its metallic gold cart to its overall play style to the little lithium ion battery that allowed you to save a game directly on the cart, as opposed to a password system, Without the Legend of Zelda, video games as we know it would not exist.

In 1986 Shigeru Miyamoto fresh off the success of Mario Brothers, created another world. Named after the wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald, the Legend of Zelda tells the tale of a Boy named Link, off to save a Princess named Zelda, from a Wizard named Gannon, who has taken the form of a Pig King. Creative right? Eventually there would be whole mythologies devoted to a Triple goddess, and sages and blah blah, but for now, the Triforce you had to find and build was nothing more then a huge MacGuffin.

Rather then giving us single levels like most games, where we were moved in one direction towards a goal, we were dumped in the middle of a mystical land. We That very first screen had three roads and a small cave in front of us. In that cave, if you did not miss it at first. was an old man and a rusty sword.

“It’s Dangerous to go alone… Take this”

It was like tossing a toddler in a poll and telling it to swim. Nothing had ever existed like it. You had to explore the world to find your goal. Each dungeon you went into had a new device to help you explore further, to the point where once your realized you could bomb walls and burn bushes, you would do that on every single tile of the game possible to find everything.

And you were doing it to some bitching music! Again Koji Kondo brought us a fantastic chip tune. On the over world you were treated to a track that sang to the epic nature of your quest, in the dungeons a dark brooding tune reminded you constantly of the danger you faced.

Yet you were not some sword swinging Conan the Barbarian. Often times you had to think through the game, figuring out that you could only kill the Dinosaurs by “feeding” them bombs, or that the hungry but passive monster blocking your path could be fed meat to go away. Puzzles would be as simple as step on that switch, to playing with beams of light to reveal a ghost.

Music was also an important tool, able to transport you instantly across the entire game world as early as the first game. Others had musical instruments as plot points, or as tools to allow you to change time, the weather, or even act as a key to unlock certain doors.


But there is a lot of controversy about this tale of a boy, a girl, and a man… who is sometimes also a pig. You see the Legend of Zelda spans almost 20 games. But to an audience to crave continuity, this franchise has been hard to pin down. Nintendo has taken the aspect of “Legend” to it’s furthest conclusion, and despite a handful of direct (Zelda II, Majora’s Mask), and sometimes indirect sequels (Spirit Tracks) there seems to be little continuity between the games.

Timeline arguments always focus on the 1998 released Ocarina of Time, argued to be the earliest point in the timeline, and its direct use of Time Travel. So dedicated are some fans to the story of the Boy, the Girl, and the Man… who is sometimes also a pig, that wide ranging debates always result in a stalemate. As for me, I tend to focus on the “Legend” aspect of the series title. Tolkein got it wrong as far as I am concerned. The best stories are not the ones that never end, they are told over and over again, eventually gaining new aspects and loosing old ones.

Anyway, that’s it for that retrospective, next time we will discuss my personal favorite of the 8 bit pantheon… Mega Man.

MARIO! BUSTED UP THE PIPE! YOUR SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED!

What can be said about Super Mario Brothers, that has not already been said. Shigeru Miyamoto could largely be considered a genius when he made this game, because his focus was for the player to complete a story, rather then just get a high score.

One of the more amazing facts about Mario is the design of the character. By now we all know about the blue overalls, white gloves, cap and mustache. What few know was that Mario’s Getup was deliberately designed to avoid having to draw poorly rendered 8 bit characters. The hat hid hair, the ‘stache hid the face, and the contrasting overalls and shirt were to give the character a less monotone body.

Mario at the same time developed what became the most basic instructions for all video games to come, at least until plot driven narrative and X Box Live took over. This was namely the two cardinal rules of Nintendo.

1) MOVE CORRECTLY!
2) DO NOT DIE!

Two rules that can be found in EVERY video game, sure you can fight back by jumping or shooting, or you can hide, but fundamentally every video game from Mario to Modern Warfare 2 has this base assertion behind its controller.

Mario was also one of the pioneers in the video game music genre. Coming in a 3 minutes and 45 seconds, the ever infamous “ground theme” can usually be identified in the first second or so of play. Koji Kondo was a genius for making such a melody, particularly given the technical limitations of chip tunes in the day. These days composers working on video games have whole orchestra’s to work with, and high tech mixing tools. And while Halo and Metal Gear can claim some kick ass soundtracks, there would not have been those greats without Kondo’s work.

In my adult life it strikes me how much people try to interpret from the Mario franchise. Druggies want to see Poppies, shrooms and cannabis in Marios Power-ups. Freudians see the relationship of Mario, Peach and Bowser as the Id, Ego and Super Ego, figure that one out for yourself. And there is also a strange relationship with cake in there.

All that said, Mario is arguably the best selling video game franchise ever, with hundreds of games across 200 platforms. He was the gateway to many adventures for children, and we all owe him a debt of gratitude for opening a world from us?

Next time we will look at The Legend of Zelda

Trippy goo!

Why is it when you get an actual cook book you never use it, but when you get cooking software, suddenly the kitchen is your empire?

*WARNING GENERALIZATION AHEAD*
Why is it that when a woman finds her mans porn collection, she is shocked, appalled, and offended... yet when a man find his woman "I love me" drawer or chest he calls her and asks for a demonstration?
*Generalization ended*

So a Black guy, a woman from San Fransico, and a Mormon are in charge of a country. God Bless America.

Friends help you move, true friends help you move bodies

Beer is in fact beer, and beer is good.

what if the Illuminati and the military industrial complex is nothing more then a n apathetic 90 year old former communist named Bob who is snickering at the crazy ideas "free minded" people have about him.

Aslain is Jesus

I can create a well reasoned legal argument to get out of any crime by saying that I did not have any involvement in the movie "Batman and Robin"

Keep watching the 17 year old in the black trench coat, it will distract you from the big scary guy with the machete

Nintendo's SIlver year

Nintendo turned 25 this, year. Weird huh, especially considering I am 27. I still have vivid memories of playing Mario in Kindergarten, with classmates and realizing just how unskilled I was at certain games, and a god among men at others.

Being retrospective about the old NES brought be to purchase a Nintendclone later in life, and I am working on getting all the Staples for it. It is often debated as to what are considered the “essential properties” that made the Nintendo Entertainment System a huge American phenomenon. Should they be only Nintendo produced titles, or do we allow third party developers? How do franchises come into play? Should they have appeared ONLY on the NES, and not other platforms, including arcades?

For me, I have a very liberal interpretation, and it is based on what was popular with the kids when I was growing up. For me, if I had to boil down my experiences with the NES into a selection of classic games they would be

1) Super Mario Brothers
2) The Legend of Zelda
3) Mega Man
4) Contra
5) Castlevania
6) Ninja Gaiden
7) Metroid
8) Kid Icarus

These where the games that, if one kid had all of them they were the coolest on the block. And off and on for a while I plan on sharing a little retrospective on each of them, so look back every so often between now and Christmas.

The Clarion Call

Let me make something perfectly clear. With a few recent exceptions, including sadly my upcoming pre-ordered purchase of Fallout New Vegas, I do not purchase games from GameStop. It just does not happen; I tended to favor Best Buy or Target until I found the joy of a more regional place called Vintage Stock. I chose not to buy from Gamestop because of a very specific incident that happened when I was trying to find a copy of Ace Combat 6.

I walked up to the counter and said “Hi, I noticed this game was not on the shelves, but it came out last week, do you have it?”

“Did you pre-order it?”

“No.”

“Well we don’t have it unless you pre-ordered it”

“Okay, I will check Target across the street.

“They don’t have it either.”

Ten minutes later I walked out of Target with my copy of Ace Combat 6 that they supposedly did not have. A year later I had a similar incident with Assassin’s Creed, in which I was told a best buy down the street did not have any copies of the game, and low and behold in the middle of an aisle was a CRATE full of Assassin’s Creed games. I still have the picture on my cell phone, and I showed it to the kid behind the counter who told me best buy did not have it.

So I made the conscious decision to get my game fix elsewhere, to exercise my power of the purse to reject GameStop business model, which fundamentally resembles a Pawn Shop more then a retailer.

This morning however I saw a video on one of my favorite gaming websites www.ScrewAttack.com my personal favorite feature there, The Game Overthinker posted a new video where he called upon gamers to do what I as a Gamer have chosen to do for years now and purchase games elsewhere. There really is no point in summing it up when I can just have you watch it here.

I want to take this call to action a step further though. I want to point out a few stories where I was suckered into a Gamestop Pre-Order that I really should not have been.

In the Case of Transformers War for Cybertron, I preordered From Gamestop, as opposed to Wal-Mart or Target for a specific Downloadable content character called Shockwave. Transformers Fans know what I speak of there. And I was happy and hunky dory, even though I felt dirty for giving GameStop money. Then what happens? DLC was made available to all that included the Shockwave character, as well as all the other Pre-Order Characters from other stores. I felt like the biggest jackass of all.
Another time I pre-ordered Halo Wars, and I got the phone call saying it was available Tuesday at midnight. I got the phone call Tuesday at 6 PM, so I thought “hmmm that was strange.” When I went to get my game I was told it would not be available for another six hours. When I brought up that was Wednesday at midnight and the message said Tuesday at midnight, all I got was “you must be the only one in the world that thinks that way.”

Obviously not, since that is how time works you jackass.

The Hardest truth of all is that I am not the only one. If I was one voice crying out into the night, that one whiney little bitch who had no real complaint, I could accept that and brood. But the internet is littered with GameStop Haters, many of them former employees. That there are so many Gamers out there that do despise this conglomerate for what it has done to gaming as a hobby speaks volumes to the company’s character.

So I answer the Game Overthinkers Clarion Call, and I ask you to as well. Take that mightiest of weapons you have, your wallet, and when it comes time to purchase a new game, go somewhere else first.

Banned Book Week

Happy Banned Book Week!

Yes for decades, nay nearly a century, there have been some books that have offended people so, that said people have gone out of their way not just to exercise their own power of the free market, but have forced their will upon the public by rallying for several works of fiction and non fiction to be banned at publicly owned libraries.

From Authors as celebrated as Mark Twain, to Recent Geniuses like J.K. Rowling, a minority in the United States, Nay, the entire world have sought to destroy or ban the exercise of intellectual freedom by subverting human expression in one of its most basic forms.

I choose however not to rally a call to prevent such censorship. Not because I believe that some books ought to be banned. Quite the contrary, I find all books to be as sacred as some find the Bible, or the Quran to be. It matters not if it is as whimsical as “The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby.” That Mein Kampf came from such an evil soul is irrelevant. It does not even matter if it is as bad as Twilight. The fact is that the written word is the gateway to a person’s soul, and we are allowed through books to view into the souls of others. Nothing can be more divine then that.

So rather then wording my own call, I choose instead to invoke John Milton, from his speech to Parliament Areopagitica

“Books are not absolutely dead things, but do contain a potency of life in them to be as active as that soul was whose progeny they are; nay, they do preserve as in a vial the purest efficacy and extraction of that living intellect that bred them. I know they are as lively, and as vigorously productive, as those fabulous dragon's teeth; and being sown up and down, may chance to spring up armed men. And yet, on the other hand, unless wariness be used, as good almost kill a man as kill a good book. Who kills a man kills a reasonable creature, God's image; but he who destroys a good book, kills reason itself, kills the image of God, as it were in the eye. Many a man lives a burden to the earth; but a good book is the precious life-blood of a master spirit, embalmed and treasured up on purpose to a life beyond life.”

Damn, dude that is heavy stuff.

To celebrate banned book week, go out and find these books, and read a couple of them.

Not Republican Enough

In 2002 I signed up for the Young Republicans in order to get a free T Shirt. I was never bothered by them again. Well a few days ago I got a call on my cell phone being invited to a small event in Columbia so I could speak to a small Young Republicans Panel as a “Approaching 30” guy who apparently was a “long standing member” of the organization. Despite being confused, I graciously accepted.

When I asked about what Items I wanted to speak about I said that I wanted to talk about a return to fiscal conservatism. I also spoke about a serious opposition to gun control, something I am not passionate about, but do tend to fall on the Republican side of.

This got the caller really excited.

Then I said I also wanted to talk about things that Republicans need to change, social issues that are either unimportant, inevitably going to move a certain direction, or are not the venue of legislation to solve.

This got the caller nervous.

I spoke of the need to step back from LGBT marital rights for example, as time and history are on the side of that issue. I spoke about how Television, Film, and Electronic entertainment need to be continuously advocated for to ensure first amendment protection.

This agitated the caller

I then talked about how if Republicans want any credibility on Abortion rights; they need to surrender other sexual rights issues. Those issues, like access to birth control and sexual education need to be handled in a more comprehensive and scientific way then smacking kids upside the head and saying “don’t have sex.

The caller summarily dis invited me, stating that I have swayed to far away from Republican Party issues to be of any use to them.

They can fuck off.